Nothing says "I love you" like a full raw dog.
I have eleven tally marks and an infinity sign drawn on my wrist in permanent marker. Senior bar crawl stole my liver.
I think when she wakes up, she'll either kill me, or laugh. I hope she laughs.
we have 69 mutual friends...i have to add her
Disasters an understatement. Hurricane alpha chi omega hit. On my way to buy carpet cleaner, super glue, and a new liver. Be back soon.
I went to the haunted house just to see her - Hello new fetish!
In case you're keeping score at home, this is Brad's SECOND Doritos-related trip to the ER.
So what's the moral standing on reading gay porn on your phone whilst sitting next to your 87 year old Grandma?
She tried to subtly measure me, but I noticed. She told me I barely made the cut otherwise there would have been just a handshake as a parting gift.
There is a drunken, assless white chick here at this bar wearing a shirt that says "REAL WOMEN TWERK FOR JESUS". I have officially had it with our generation.
so at 3am I stumbled into my parents house and crawled into bed with them, I need to start dating.
your were asleep with people making out on top of you. you didn't even look bothered by it.
I use my feet as sexual weapons
You spent the entire night trying to catch pigeons and hugged a homeless guy and then gave him a pregnancy test.
i just swapped my iPhone for a happy meal. this is greg btw, the hooker let me borrow her phone
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