Last night i stole a disco ball from a frat house by pretending i was pregnant.
Overheard: "his girlfriend fucks him with the lights off. It's not serious."
lmfao. well really. it's not love if you cringe at the site of his anus.
The line was so long at Kum n Go some guy opened & drank 2 beers from his 12 pack while waiting.
No, when he said that he wished he had my eyebrows, THATS when I knew he was gay.
im drunk. people are steering their children away from me. whatever it is that you called for, I assure you that I don't care. have a good night
Im also drinking whiskey while on a treadmill wearing high heels so let's consider that for a moment.
I forgot to tell you, the medics put you in a wheel chair. ( I kept telling you to cat daddy) oh you also gave everyone high fives for speaking English.
It's time for everyone's favorite Wednesday night game... WHEEL OF. VODKA!!!!!
This isn't a because its valentines day booty call, it's a because your cock is phenomenal booty call that happens to be on valentines day..
Hey dude. I've got a mini fridge in my closet now so we don't have to worry about getting drunk and falling down the stairs on our way to get more beer.
I just saw two homeless guys bond over the fact that they both use Crown Royal bags as wallets in Burger King.
That last one reminds me of the time we smoked that foot-long joint and by the time we'd finished we were so stoned we applauded it.
Make me food? I don't want to be a science experiment. I'm dunk. Holy shit. Drunk*. Let's do science.
And speaking of good acting I may have a sex tape now
I went to steal condoms from your room and all I could find was chik fil a sauce
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