You're having sex and i just smoked and made oatmeal...i'll give you some time to be jealous
If you dedicate your next bite to me, I'll dedicate my first orgasm to you.
she said, "is it ok if I touch it?" that's when I knew I was in trouble... I knew she was a virgin but seriously..
I thought that u needed a break due the fact that your nipples were bleeding
I've lost all respect for marriage since I joined this bachelor party.
I mean like, my liver will beg my brain for mercy. Brainll be like I'm Greg Jennings. Liverll be like I'm Darren Sharper. Brainll be like hold my diiiiick.
I drew a giraffe.. But she did say that bumped that test up from a 39 to a 40. It's the little things.
Making a me burrito to ward off the cold...and the aloneness of my vagina
It's like they're playing jeopardy and the category is "things that make women dry."
guys with girlfriends don't have a leg to stand on when they get mad at you for fucking other guys
I bet Billy Ray Cyrus wishes he had pulled out now....
this place is dumb. no one understands my Sunday morning alcoholism here.
I just got high and swiffered the bathroom floor....2 for 2 on brilliant life ideas
He said something last night about making crepes, but after getting pissed on in bed, I question everything.
Be there in 20. Want icecream?
sex. I want sex. I like where your heads at though.
Yeah that stuff was rough. We insisted on wearing our bikinis all down college ave, and at several parties that were not beach themed
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