you told the cop you blew a .08 because you ate poppy seeds
Sacagawea was the original milf.
I know its only noon but, Im too drunk to hold this baby...
Realized I'm still to drunk to comprehend work emails. Marked them all as unread. Here's to responsible hang overs.
at john mayer concert. alone. to many highschool kids. i feel like a drunk chaperone with a pomegranite martini mustache
Just did a line with lance bass. Only in NY
Got robbed by knifepoint. Then got sympathy Bj. I might have to walk down Austin ave drunk every weekend
Found your dick twin last night
if the future wants me to fuck him, then i guss i have to
I'm pretty sure the bus driver knew how hung over I was and hit all the pot holes on purpose. I threw up into my water bottle.
GET OVER HERE. HOTTIE ALERT
^^^This is why you should have charged your phone prior to going out.
I still owe him the card with all the sperm paper cutouts falling out like glitter saying " sorry you can't hold your load. Better luck next time "
I WAS KIDDING ABOUT SLUTEMBER BUT ITS ACTUALLY HAPPENING
I gave up great shower sex to be here so don't say I never did anything for our friendship.
one nice thing about being home: no walks of shame, just drives of shame
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