I just left during the middle of Chemistry to go throw up in the bathroom....and you laughed at my travel toothbrush.
he even offered to make my bed in the morning.
just got hammed at grandma and grampas 30th aniversary bash .. from the looks i was getting im guessing i wont be seeing an inheritance ...
any interest in drunk sledding later? if not, any interest in driving me to the hospital later?
This dude. Just lost. A finger. He asked us for tape.
The fact that both my ribs are severely bruised from shoving flasks in my bra might be a validation of my mothers alcoholic accusation
The second I saw you stumbling down the stairs in a princess crown, I knew I had a friend for life.
haha she has always seemed a little off. when i met her i was told she was the queen slut. and she had a crown on at the time. it seemed appropriate.
im still going. this is my new reality. also. dont take glowsticks in the bath. they explode. actually. do. it. its beautiful.
i dont think thats healthy man...
Yelling back at the people on Jerry springer through the TV, and eventually punching it. Failure of a night.
Woke up to a note written on my hand that read "just because he kisses you, doesn't mean you have to sleep with him"
next time, write it on your vagina so its more effective.
Look, I'm just saying, she looks like a troll and works indefinitely at a shitty Chinese restaurant, so me sleeping with her boyfriend is the least of her troubles...
This drunk lesbian I just met keeps trying to shove sushi in my mouth. Help.
Would it be wrong to text my ex and say "congratulations on the new baby that you had with a stripper"?
It's sad that I'm more proud of my Twitter account then my resume
Randomize