don't tell her this, but while we were doing it doggy style I picked up my phone and changed my status to "who let the dogs out"
This is why you don't make out with cougars at a bar... I got a linkedin request from her, wtf?
Just a heads up, the coffee pot is filled with Jager.
i also performed surgery on a chicken burrito from what i can tell from my scissors
At one point I went looking for you and found you handcuffed to a chair. I'm pretty sure you handcuffed yourself. I don't know how you got there.
I would never do this in real life. It's only college.
When he sent me a picture, I swear my vag frowned. That tiny.
You are like a vicious sex animal persistently seeking prey
I am thankful for thumbs.
Because without thumbs, we would be dolphins.
Land dolphins.
Man I sound like a slutty Mormon
One less thong to worry about.
One less *thing! But probably that too.
Here's a concept though: eating pasta while getting laid
Don't worry about us we're making Mac and cheese
MAC AND CHEESE ABORTED, WE HAD FIRE
"Uno más" are officially my least favorite words in the entire Spanish language.
Wait... where the hell did you even find a live OCTOPUS, let alone green eggs and ham?
Randomize
