About to do something stupid. You'll be my call. Bring bail money.
So I had sex with him again. He's still got it. Not chlamydia, he got rid of that.
Hallmark should totally make "congratulations on getting your period" cards...I feel they would be quite popular.
Now for something completely different: ive figured out how to eat a banana without insinuating something completely naughty
Come over and help me clean up your so-called "winter wonderland" that you made with the fire extinguisher in the kitchen last night.
Dude, those shrooms u gave me made me remember writing the bible. Fuckn awesome
Something about Sunday night screams phone sex
Man i fell asleep on a random persons porch on the way home and woke up to the family banging on the windows trying to wake me up
Do you think I can get away with quoting Work Bitch by Britney Spears in my speech?
Every time I started to really hate the guys on tinder, the universe throws me a muscly beardy bone.
Do you think you can chase a shot with chicken soup?
He dropped some cash when he got in my front seat upside down. And a hat. I'm keeping them as retribution for not remembering that he had sex with me once before. Although, if he didn't have his dick pierced, I wouldn't have remembered either.
I havent moved from the couch and I'm licking peanut butter from a spoon, I'm a beautiful person.
I still think he’s a fuckboy but he’s nice to me when I’m over.\nLike sets alarms for me in the morning and always makes sure I cum.
Woke up in a house I don't know, with someone else's pants on, and wolverine hair, to my girlfriend yelling on the phone about the 4 girls I made out with last
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