My unemployment check should really just be direct-deposited into the checking account of my drug dealer
haha my mom just sent us out to go to all of the hair cutting places to ask for hair because deer ate all our zuchini.. and we have to pee in a bucket all day cause deer hate urine. please tell me we are normal?
i cant lie to you.
I just had to take a drug test for my new job. I should have asked them if they could tell me if I were pregnant or not while they were at it and save me the guesswork.
Finals week has gone away, doo dah doo dah, drink martinis naked day oh da doo dah day
I'm sorry for peeing on your door. But it was your decision to open it.
You tried to initiate "Occupy McDonald's" when the cashier didn't give you enough ketchup.
How do you tell someone who's buying a pregnancy test to have a nice day .... Like how
Judge me all you want, but while you are stuck at home eating Ramen and tap water, I will be dining with some guy who, although might be the same age as my father, is filthy rich.
I'm not gonna lie. The only reason I haven't drank a whole bottle of crown tonight is because we only had 3/4 of a bottle left.
dude there's a blind guy on the trail using his service dog to hit on girls.
My roommate definitely just walked in on me playing the piano naked.
By piano you mean.....
Like literally a piano.
Ohhhh that's kind of embarrassing.
If more people understood that brunch is at 3pm the world would be a better place because you don't have to wake up early. Breakfast food is important
Nothing like being naked and confused and clutching a scented candle...at least I woke up in my own bed though.
my nextdoor neighbor called me saying "um hey, your mom just stumbled into bed with me and my husband, can you please come get her?"
His sisters are going to have a heyday finding all those condoms in their bunk beds.
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