Glitter + Penis = Best. Idea. Ever.
kyle and i were puking, simultaneously, off the front porch at 4 am, and in the middle of it he looks up, reaches his hand over, and says "knucks." And then I proceeded to fist bump him. By farrr the best time I've ever had puking.
I just asked the dr if it was herpes while wearing my shirt from the strip club...
I told you to stay away from the strippers in Oklahoma
Or they can chase TEQUILA shots with it. I don't know why my phone capitalizes TEQUILA.
she let a homeless guy feel her up so she could go for a ride in his shopping cart
There's a 35% chance I'm still residually drunk from last night.
And you say you're not good with numbers...
Am I really in your phone as Asshole Jesus??
I danced with this guy last night, I left like I was humped by a blind baby kangaroo trying to body-box.
We're like adult pinky and the brain when they decided that taking over the world is unrealistic so they aim lower by trying to get drunk every day.
He called from a stranger phone to say. He was a t a liquior store and there was a long line they have no condoms. This is the guy i was gonna go on a date with
Atleast he is letting you know he will be late
Mostly what I remember is someone saying "raise your hand if you're too turnt" then raising my hand and falling
I'm gonna do it. I'm gonna write gay mortal kombat fanfic. May the gods be praised for whisky
Thank you for holding my butt in a non-sexual manner when its cold. I appreciate you and your warm hands.
The more time I spend surrounded by Mormons, the more I miss alcohol.
i just want to cuddle, make out and maybe have a boob grabbed but no. someone has to have mono.
Randomize
