That was a long time ago. She needed the money.
I remember having a drink with vegetables in it. They said it was a mojito, but it tasted like cabbage.
haha i love mojitos
ya and i hate cabbage
You tend to look at life differently when you wake up to nutella vomit all over your room with no recollection of how it got there
You know how to spell recollection?
I need a secretary to manage my drinking schedule.
Thru out the entire phone conversation I went from thinking: he's making a gay come-on, to he's trying to sell me drugs, before realizing he was offering me a job with an internet company. Things are gonna be awkward in class this week.
Awesome. My fame will spread to DC... As will the herpes.
Yes, that was me on the jumbo tron. No, i don't know why i was hiding.
Dude, Taco Bell gave me a free fiesta potatoes when I won a bet on wether I could fit the entire rim of a cup in my mouth.
i am bringing shame upon my ancesors with my weak liver valhalla will never accept me
She just took a mirror selfie at the hospital while in labor.
Come home, I'm drunk on the porch and pretending to smoke breadsticks like cigarettes. Enticing, right?
It doesn't count as "finding the lesbian" if you fuck a straight girl!
Just beer bonged through a snorkel, add that to the list
I just asked my mom if I could be the drunk realitive at the reunion. She said as long as I'm not obvious.
Staff meetings will be awkward since my boss and I both did the new intern
Maybe she doesn’t know you did him
Oh she definitely knows - it was a threesome
Please tell me you’re not taking life advice from porn scripts again
Randomize
