I locked my keys in my car in front of planned parenthood. I'm terrified of going inside to ask to borrow a clothes hangar.
Just tell them you need to fix a mistake real quick.
So I answered the door in my underwear expecting my boyfriend. Instead I opened the door to Mormon missionaries. Do you think that was a sign from God?
im shaking like a drug addict and i almost just shat my pants when i sneezed...no more patron for me
dude. how can brian from family drink at fucking bars? he's a dog and definitaly doesn't have pockets.
DO NOT FUCK HIM ON MY BEAN BAG CHAIR
I just remember getting him back by licking the window on his truck.
It was worth having to clean the cum stains out of the carpet.
I've decided to tape numbers to the bottom of my heels corresponding to the number of drinks I can safely consume in them.
I thinking of taking all of the pics of his dick that he's sent me and making a calendar.
went from writing my paper to watching obamas speech to crushing beers and singing springsteen in a crowd of 100 within 20 minutes. I love this country
I'll never forget how blunt of a wingman you were. "Excuse me, my friend wants to makeout with someone"
She's dipping the chocolate graham crackers in marshmallow vodka for a 'campfire taste'
When we tried to make a video I set the camera to 3sec pictures accidentally so instead of a movie we have a flipbook of our sex.
My last 2 google image searches were 'a lot of pudding' followed by 'a generous portion of pudding'
I just dominated some guy while wearing your moms thong
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