i cant get the smell of ass out of my nose
Apparantly 7 1/2 Vicodin is a 1/2 too many.
I also tried to drunkenly adopt a kitten last night. It didn't pan out.
My roommate threw his shoe through our window and I came out of my blackout kicking holes in my wall. Pretty sure Edward 80 Hands won't be happening anymore.
Your maid of honor is passed out in a golf cart on the 18th hole.
If you hook up with your cousin you will permanently be my favorite person ever.
I like to take my ritalin one pill at a time with each pill spaced out a couple minutes so I feel like I'm going super saiyan when they kick in.
Went to bed with a bowl of spaghetti O's on my chest, I make my own breakfast in bed. New level of laziness
Please warn me if you ever end up in porn, cause I don't want to stumble across that on accident, okay?
Yuck. My throat feels like someone chucked a couple of Maltov cocktails down it and finished it off with a super soaker filled with Jameson.
I pretty much told him I was too sober for this an just walked away and all I heard was "IT'S BECAUSE IM A BAD KISSER ISN'T IT" OVER AND OVER AGAIN
Apparently nick called me at 3 in the morning looking for you because you ate your keys and ran away..do I need to call an ambulance.
Ladies, if you have recieved this text then you are one of the lucky few friends I have decided to make this proposal to. As you all know, my boyfriend's birthday is in two weeks and I have finally decided on the perfect present. Surprise threesome. Now, there can only be one, this isn't an orgy you know, so I will be rating the ideal candidates on bra size and sluttyness. Experiance will count, references if available. Inbox me your credentials so we can come to a...Satisfying agreement.
I accidentally sent my dad a very explicit Star Wars fanfiction and he replied with "That was great!"
So hungover that I might just sit in my car and wait until chipotle opens...in two hours...
Randomize
