I'm so fucking centered right now
I am midnight drunk by noon
soo I had sex last night and he wore a condom, pulled out sans condom. we looked everywhere and couldnt find it, even in my vag. so Im in the library at school and I googled it and it gave me "gentle digging" techniques, and sure enough, found it. ew. I'll be purchasing Plan B after class.
i was just skypeing her and i saw the vagisil medicated wipes in the corner of her room. i'll be breaking this off tomorrow
I think you begin to realize how unfair life really is when you're high and you discover that the new box of fruit by the foot on your shelf is actually empty
I don't even know man. I was to busy having beer showered on me and grabbing some balls
In case you wake up wondering why your eyes hurt... You were claiming to be Zeus and that mortal weapons couldn't harm you. Some chick took it as a challenge and pepper sprayed you. Sorry dude.
Emergency nipple ring removal:vodka, tweezers, and vodka. Can you bring me a band-aid?
I told him i turn boys gay hoping that would scare him off. Finally i found a way to take advantage of my disability.
So much easier to puke and rally now that my gluten's under control
we are the apple cider girls!
Yes, he does have a boomerang dick. No matter how many times I throw it away, it keeps coming right back and winds up hitting me in the head.
and then I said "oh, I see the price of Plan B has gone up". and the pharmacist looked at me very sadly. I was just trying to make conversation.
I should probably stop recommending my dentist to the different guys I'm seeing. That could be awkward in the future.
What is more embarrassing, shitting yourself in Mexico or having sex in a forest preserve with a 19 yr old? This is crucial research.
so like
i may have gotten a little bit of blood in the charging port of my phone
Randomize
