i'm the matthew mcconaghey of this party. i'm too old, and too high.
My dad just told me he used to masturbate to cat woman...he then proceeded to beat my brother in beer pong and wont let me play...
my mom told me that she didn't count me in the census because im a waste of life anyway.
She started crying. I don't think she's gotten head from a sax player before.
I had a dream she was puking on me, but sadly in real life she was puking on me too
Are you high right now?
is that a question or a drake reference?
Vague recollection of me ripping your shirt off at the bar... I hope I asked first, otherwise that's real rude.
It's just weird. It's like Big Bird dating Meg Griffin.
All those movies are bullshit, there is no way to run down a line of parked cars, they`re too far apart. my faces hurts so much right now
No I don't want to see you. You're the reason that I'm going to need a new liver by the time I'm 30.
This is my life. Enjoy the view
Pretty sure I have a sex related back injury. I'm not sure if I should be proud or ashamed.
I just woke up, its 6AM and i'm pretty sure the guy passed out next to me is 70% ugly...
When we were in Vegas he tried to get an Elvis impersonator to act dead on a toilet so he could take photos. This is even worse
I broke my dick don't ask me how I need help putting in a catheter so I can piss.
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