It's 3 am and my parents just came up the driveway in a limo. They didn't leave in a limo. I'm scared to even ask.
He just did blow off my nipples. He's not serious about his girlfriend.
My boyfriend just sent me flowers. I am now crying at the fact i fucked my fat neighbor. God please help me.
we are watching a video on ethics because somebody wrote "butt sex" on the attendance sign in sheet
I need to stop drinking and eating and start working out. I look like the lovechild of John Goodman and Jabba the Hutt.
idk, it started getting weird when they were looking up videos of lesbian giraffes
after all you did bang a few mechanics. you must have got some second hand skills by now for building us a go kart.
She said, I've heard about you, from girls you wouldn't even be interested in. What?
You were drunk enough to sled down a highway off ramp in your pajamas….
I'm dedicating this beer to drunk texting
We got stoned and took selfies with the most perfect lawn
I'm both gender and math confused
Way to fucking accidentally drunk dial me while you're talking to and buying other girls drinks. Don't call me.
I love millennial parents. One of the moms at the daycare center literally told me she and her husband named two of her kids after batman characters and one after game of thrones
Woke up next to my vibrator and a recipe for fudge brownies. If that doesn't scream I NEED TO GET LAID, then I don't know what else could.
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