So I've decided that when I turn 50 and have to have a colonoscopy I'm going to leave a surprise for the doctor to find.
I cant go down on him yet. All ive had to eat is olives and percocet. semen would only add to tomorow mornings discomfort.
You need to come get me. I'm pretty sure that gravity's going to crush my brain
I need to start giving them away because owning 20 dildos is never going to get me a boyfriend.
Who the hell poured a whole pouch of Capri Sun down my throat last night?
Blasting venetian snares and drinking a beer. I love being an adult. It's like being a child but with beer for breakfast, better music, and no one yells at you.
My vagina bone hurts from grinding on that dude so hard.
Oh my god. A memory of last night just came to me. One of our neighbors joked about Thomas having a big dick and I just kept shaking my head profusely.
Bake him heart shaped cookies?!? Send him a picture of your tits like an ADULT!
Single lady's Saturday night: eat doritos, masturbate, eat more doritos. Do shot of Jager. Repeat until desired result is achieved.
Drunk him got in a fight with his wife he literally bought a plane ticket and flew to Hawaii. He just called me and asked why I let it happen. From Hawaii hahaha.
Ok well my life just seems more exciting by default because I'm dating my married boss and sexting with my ex
I just lost my handcuff virginity and not in the sexy way.
We're in a hurricane and you send me a video of you playing with your dick while driving! You wanna die?!
Hey this is your roommate. You know the one that let you have sex with her while you called out your exs name and cried?
I have no recollection of that. You must have the wrong number. P.s. your thongs still on the ceiling fan.
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