at this rate if someone im actually interested in likes me back im going to die of surprise before i even get to make out with them
Oh please tell me that I'm sleeping in your shower and not the neighbor's again
I think I'm about to have sex with a second person before noon hehehhe! You're welcome America.
He makes this seasoned whore feel like a novice. I've met the one.
Oh and I guess I added our cab driver on Facebook. He has "liked" every single one of my beach pictures. Kill me now.
Mango bong: no go. Guava bong: sweet flaming buddha it was delicious. I shall teach you the ways of tropical fruit trees.
Phone sex soon? I mean date. Sex date. Date phone.
all 3? possibly?
I think I'm up to the challenge.
Apparently stumbling across interstate bridges is not cause for concern but screaming Wookie noises at cars is. Thanks, cops.
It's a little sad/awesome that I scored coke within 60 seconds of walking in the bar.
The student becomes the teacher.
I tried to break it off with the married one. He offered to pay off my car.
The side bitch struggle is real.
this is a preemptive text before you call me freaking out: i have your keys and your car is parked safely a block down from your apartment.
you are a goddess
don't give me stepladders when i'm stoned.. i woke up to a slice of balogna nailed to the ceiling
Bro I needs to be rescued in 30 mins...prfeebly someone died in a car accident needs to be the excuse
I finished my first whiskey and I'm waiting to have a second one in celebration when your pregnancy test comes back negative
to be fair i didnt know she wanted to sleep with me
WHY THE FUCK ELSE WOULD SHE DRAG A STRAIGT MAN INTO A VICTORIA'S SECRET CHANGEROOM GODDAMMIT
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