apparently i walked up to the counter, put $30 worth of snacks next to this girl, and went 'uhh i have no money'
Ok, maybe I don't want to know what happened last night... But somehow I guess I moved the oven.
He puked, did more shots, and then pissed in a drawer. We thought it was bad enough and all of a sudden...boom-clothes come off and he passes out with slippers and a styrofoam hat on and a guitar hero guitar in hand pretending he was slash.
I was just handed jelly beans by a guy in a penguin costume. Standby for confirmation on if they are actually drugs.
I said you have to fuck the german guy and take one for the team...it's a once in a lifetime opportunity you know.
I had him autograph the condom wrapper.
Delivery driver perk #327: I just paid for part of the security deposit on my new place in pizza. This oughta be a fun renting experience.
Just woke up from a weed coma and found a stem in my bra. Rainy day success.
I have major gossip for you.
Oh no, did you have sex last night?
If I had sex last night I'd probably post it on facebook. It's been that long and I'd be that excited.
No man. Everyone needs to shit off a roof, at least once.
if it looks like there's being an exorcism being performed you know your doing something right.
Babe, Have you see my pants?
Try Jay street in Brooklyn.. that's where I last remember seeing them.
So I've decided that blue balls for lesbians is rainbow balls and the struggle is real
We will just distract him with tacos and porn.
u better not lose ur virginity to a sugar daddy who doesn’t post a pic of himself to tinder
Randomize
