I really think my ability to vom without making noise mmight be my most useful talent
pretend to be my girlfriend and sign me up for tool academy
He went down on me and then slapped my ass saying "thanks for the confidence boost"... is this all I'm good for?
I think it's a friendship ring and the other part is on his cats collar
Hey. Me and my buddy are drunk. you wanna give us tattoos of the hawaiian punch guy we shall pay very well. Seriously dude. no bull shit.
I have a breathe right strip stuck to my forehead, several inexplicable bruises and I think someone tried to paint my nails with glue, but I still have my Santa hat. I'm gonna call this one a success.
watched my neighbor eat five yodels, mow his lawn, and then cry on his porch after the party... what did you give him?
And now whenever I see a documentary about dolphins, I think about sex, which is super weird
No no no he wouldn't talk to me before I showed his best friend how good I am at twerking
I just heard your voicemail. Glad you like my dick and think I'm cool
I ate mushroom chocolates & went to the botanical gardens for Christmas. HAPPY FUCKING HOLIDAYS
I refuse to go to a doctor for a sex injury, not when I've come so far already
I woke up with her finger in my vag. Let's just say that I'm one horny inquisitive drunk.
I have beer and butt plugs...pretty sure I will find a way to entertain myself while I wait
Yeah that was post sex. I was thinking in my mind, no wonder he didnt ask me to call him daddy since he actually is a dad
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