she said "can't you just pull out and cum on my face? I hate scooping jizz out of my vag".
I'm assuming you texted me by mistake. you're not jizzing in or on me again, thanks for playing, douchebag.
Now that the fun of having an iPhone has worn off I find that using screen as a coke tray is by far my favorite app
He said he's gonna start calling me "Benny" because we're "friends with bennyfits"
She's never allowed to turn 21 again
The other night after we fucked we talked about Lowe's vision insurance. Never fuck a coworker.
the question is "speedos?" and the answer is "yes".
So how was the sex with me last night?
No worse than usual.
i fell into a bathtub last night and broke the fall with my forehead. my forehead is bruised
Have 7 min to kill while I wait for liquor store to open. Feels really awkward.
My manager said you offered to make out with him to ensure I keep my job if I didn't show up to work today
a large sweaty girl i dont know is sleeping in my bed. A scotish man and a small child looking dude are on the couches im on the floor sleeping and im ok with it
His name was toto. That should have been my red flag
Left my house last night with a girlfriend, $200 in my wallet, and 10 finger nails. Came home with no girlfriend, an empty wallet, and 9 1/2 finger nails.
Yea, I had a bad night too aha
How’s big weiner McGee?
I’m going to ask you one last time to call him Matt and he’s fine thank you very much
He just canceled. I got an amazing new dress and now he’s decided he’s spending the weekend with his family
In other news, there’s some rando in an expensive hotel bar who is going to get very lucky tonight because I love the way this dress makes my tits look. Want to help me find him?
Randomize
