Shaq going to Cleveland; Vince Carter to the Magic; Michael Jackson, Farrah Fawcett, and Ed McMahon die.... ARMAGEDDON IS UPON US!!!!!
He said "what's the haps". I don't know what the haps are but there goes his chances
So my date night ended with us watching porn with his roommate.
ME TOO. Am adrunk madr out qith. White guy. Guy de white. Blanco chico. Chico de blanco
Now I know he's not trying to fuck me. He took me to lunch at White Castle.
When we were eating pie last night, I dropped some, and not only did you not judge me for far surpassing the 5 second rule, you let me use your foot to sock mop with. You're a good friend.
Would nail polish remover take gorilla glue off my nipples? We had a strange night.
OH MY GOD THE LITTLE GIRL IS SITTING WITH US WHILE WE SMOKE. I'M NOT DOING THIS
Highlight of the weekend: getting roundhouse kicked in the dick while switching from reverse cowgirl.
Also, do you think i could get away with finishing my vodka cranberry from last night at work if i put orange juice in it? Serious question.
A dick pic is not a proper way to say I'm sorry
I could tell my life story through kermit memes
Nothing says Happy Thanksgiving like running into your ex boyfriend at the liquor store at 3 in the afternoon.
I need my comforter. Pls bring it to me and drape me in it like an animal pelt. Ps I'm naked.
I’m not sure she knows my name. She introduced me as “the fuck toy”
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