sitting with a guy who's looking at the cum stains on the bed. Do you think he's convinced it's from the cat?
No. He thinks you're slutty.
Just left a map of the Aleutian islands on this Eskimo girls face. Check one off my Alaska to do list.
I just mixed tequila and nyquil in front of dad. hes making ambulance jokes but let me tell you its DELICIOUSSS
I shouldn't have had sex with her. I feel that I may have opened a pandora's vagina
I wish the ER had shaved that part of my head. It would be easier to show people my staples at the bar.
On the plus side I got to ride in a fire truck and I didn't have to blow anybody for it
i'll probably be on drugs forewarning
forewarning i'll probably have done those drugs with you
drunk grocery shopping was not as bad of an idea as i thought, this salmon cat food tastes a lot like tuna
We are planning a drunk snapchat treasure hunt for tomorrow, and the treasure is his penis, this is a game I'm not willing to loose.
When you put my balls in your mouth i just want to buy you expensive gifts...you know what i mean?
She's legally too young to drink and was making out with a guy who is ethically too old to drink.
Doesn't matter how many times we tell him the kid's a freshman, he keeps repeating "cupcake boy shall be mine" and honestly you need to intervene
do you ever look at a card in your wallet and reminisce about all of the drugs youve done with it?
it's not rock bottom until you fall down an escalator on the way home from a hookup and have to have you dad come pick your drunkass up at 3am. Adulthood.
I like that you're more concerned about how I would find the time to clone you, than the fact that I have your blood.
Randomize
