Just bummed a recreational vicodin off my friend's 40 year old boyfriend & am hoovering a breakfast sammy from costco. And I don't have a boyfriend because why?
Just found my girlfriend's stash of animated Japanese porn
And to think, I actually considered breaking up with her
Thanks for the birthday present, i had so much fun playing with it
Are you talking about my vagina?
she was seriously choking and the whole time all he kept saying was "that's what she said"
I didn't mean to leave you there I just didn't know him well enough to throw up in his bathroom.
I was just walking down the hall and passed a very pregnant girl wearing a shirt that said "blame it on the aaaaaa-alcohol." I can't decide if she's brilliantly witty or just pointing fingers.
You guys better make it up to the cabin in time for mud wrestling on Saturday. I'm not kidding. You know when I joke, and now is not one of those times.
This isnt meant to be as creepy as it sounds, but do you seriously want a lock of the hair I cut off?
Unless you consider jello shots food the answer is no there is no dinner here. When u get food get more wine too tired of you coming over drinking all my booze and destroying my vagina
Did we smoke in a portapotty last night? And if so, do you think the brown stuff covering my body is actually dirt?
I woke up to a shattered My Little Pony garbage pail, a black eye I don't know how I got and no one will look me in the face. Fuck tequila.
I cried at the bar for 30 minutes because I got my arm stuck in my sweater. I got free drinks for the rest of the night after the bartender helped me.
i need some fresh meat. meat that has a license and a job and isn’t a FULL-blown alcoholic. partial i could tolerate, bc, haha, let’s be honest, me likey my drinkies.
You don't feed me, fuck me, or fulfill me.
So I had this brilliant idea that I would sleep in all sorts of sweatpants and sweatshirts... Apparently I thought I could "sweat" off the drunk in my sleep and that it would make me feel better when I woke up
Randomize
