im going to pretend im pregnant so i can eat a lot then i will accidentally fall down the stairs
The jonas brothers playing in your laptop. This is why guys won't sleep with you...
there was a guy here who managed to get his head stuck in a fishbowl. no, I don't fuckin know how
my mom hid the smirnoff from me. this is the most fucked up game of hide and seek EVER
I woke up to find her cooking breakfast wearing nothing but my Nuggets jersey. I don't think this could end better.
My boyfriend woke me up in the middle of the night to have sex with me right before I had sex with another guy in my dream. What a unique sixth sense his penis has.
In fact, not a good idea to go into any house alone after a man invites you in from his balcony.
Promise me, at my funeral, you will re-enact our human sledding incident of 2011....you can use my dead body as said sled.
If you want me to retract my crazy cat lady comments pictures of yourself dressed as a cat are not the way to do it.
MASS TEXT: Lets start a new tradition. Black Friday log pic contest. I'm waiting.
I say that because you at one point were like a mama spider covered with baby spiders only you were a man covered with strippers.
She doesn't even know his real name...he just keeps calling himself Hans the Third
We kinda got asked to leave the strip club and on the way out, you fell again. When you finally got up we got a standing ovation from the girls behind the bar and you took a bow. It was awesome.
He said his name was Tony, after last night I will refer to him as Tiny
Well you’re enrolled in an Ivy League grad school and I’m currently at a 2 star holiday inn in rural PA so who is really thriving here
Randomize
