just went onto Yahoo and the featured article had a picture of one of the Jonas brothers. last two times the featured article was a celebrity's face the headline was "Michael Jackson is Dead" and "Pitchman Billy Mays is Dead" so naturally I got a little excited. Turns out he's just engaged. Who gives a fuck.
I'm surrounded by 3 year olds in tutus. They are far too innocent to be within at least 500 ft of me.
After giving the pizza guy directions you told him to look for the big stupid looking kid outside in purple
i am way too old to be getting fingered at work
I woke up using a pile of socks as a pillow. I think theyre clean so thats a plus.
It's blow job season.
That man deserves a slow clap... He defied the power of the vagina
I'm not sure whom I'm texting but I put you in my phone as last nights fuck budy, and I'm just curious if I left my clutch with you?
I jumped out of a moving car going sixty into my driveway because I had to shit so bad. It is not a good day today.
It's been two whole weeks and I haven't missed a single class. I deserve 69 blunts.
I TOOK A FINGER IN THE BUTT YOU CAN OPEN THIS MESSAGE
You full on peed your pants then resurrected yourself like Jesus Christ...
The most awkward thing in the morning is seeing your teacher's dick right before you go to his class.
Totally just got spotted hitting the bowl by someone else hitting a bowl. We gave each other a head nod
In California. Through an entire game + OT. That’s a long time to have an octopus in your pants.
Randomize
