if i get an abortion, then will you go out with me?
im in Michaels with rachel and i see a little boy jumping around and waving a rainbow pompom. Welcome to our team little one
Blonde 1 is sitting on the floor crying and blonde 2 is asleep with her face in the toilet. This isn't what I had in mind when they asked me back
The amount of my urine my roommate has consumed after I found out he's been eating my food almost offsets how angry I am
You probably don't remember. You were drunk and getting your tits drummed on like haitian bongos in a voodoo ritual.
Oh we're fine. I made her a "sorry I peed on you" omelet.
you crashed our wine night double date and sat on the floor eating cheese talking about how big his dick is.
I keep telling myself that if Britney can make it through 2007, I can make it through this date.
I am honored my friend, to hold the decision of what enters your body
Can I please come dance in my bra to destiny's child with you? I'll bring the wine and the glitter
I lied. Can't workout today. Only exercises I'm currently capable of doing are breathing ones to keep last night's drinks ending up all over the classroom.
Dad got stoned the other day and bought us potty training seats for when we have children
i may or may not be making depth charges with cough syrup. i'll call you if i survive.
Could be all of this cough syrup, but I’m ready to fuck 2018 up!
I climbed on the arm of the futon, flapping my hand fan frantically and hissing imprecations at the smoke detector
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