life is too short to starve
life is also too short to be fat
I just tipped a bartender in xanax.
sounds like you fell off the wagon.
fuck falling off. at this point, the wagon is a dot on the horizon.
I went to check the drunk texts i sent last night but my phone deleted them already. Even my phone is ashamed.
No. one of us needs a degree and I am already the alcoholic friend. I can't do everything
He bought me shots at the bar as his way of of paying me back for Plan B
i can now proudly say that ive peed off of a balcony overlooking the pacific ocean AND a balcony overlooking the atlantic ocean
Hes a nice guy and all but I'm only interested in his drunken alter ego.
Also, I'm sat on the floor drinking cava because life is just not working for me tonight.
Eat your greens and take your tequila shots
Don't worry about us we're making Mac and cheese
MAC AND CHEESE ABORTED, WE HAD FIRE
You told me you were going to invite all of your Tinder matches to the same bar on the same night and make them compete for your affection in a series of Lust Olympics. Winner gets laid.
I need a sign that says “please don’t make plans with me if I’ve had two or more drinks. I will regret them. I will have bitter feelings towards you. Then I will cancel and feel guilty.”
Protip if he licks the back of your knee and you reflexively kick him your game of 'lick the lady' is over.
I hate when he takes the condom off to cum all over me. It defeats the purpose.
It’s like having a barf bag and choosing to puke in your own lap.
Randomize
