The bird has been looking kind of ugly lately...gotta look nice to fly with the hawk ya know?
So I'm driving and this guy next to me at the stop light is reving his engine and honking at me. Motherfucker thinks that's because I'm asian and drive a honda I'm automatically going to race him
I feel like a really awesome person when i have to check my roof for things i've lost
He kept telling me how extraordinarily clean my ears were.
You were rubbing sand all over yourself and everyone else and claiming you were "EXFOLIATING."
Judge me...This apron fits PERFECTLY when I have no clothes on
Who said I was judging? More like congratulating.
we should look into getting a golf cart for the weekend. i have a feeling legs wont be a sufficient source of transportation.
I have bad memories with every alcohol but we manage to work through the problems for the good of the relationship
Why can't burritos get me drunk
We figured you were on something when you said that your nipples couldn't hear the music.
Also mom is not happy about me telling her how much i want the women sprinters on the Olympics to beat me up
She was on top, but I lost her at "alright, you look like predator."
I used my mad pharmacist skills to turn ordinary birth control into morning after. I think my professors would be proud.
I just put a pill up my vagina. It was little like a quail egg. There is so much happening up there right now.
I've never been so excited to be bleeding from my vagina.
Randomize