So I used to make fun of texas a lot, then I got here and I found a place where I could get my tequila in a to go cup with a straw and I realized that this is the only place I ever want to be
I just got hit by a car. I'm fine; I'll be to the bars in about 15
You are colorful like whore, yet adorable, like sad puppy. You need more drink.
Only mom could turn an abortion day into a shopping day
Do you think I could put your penis on reserve for tonight or tomorrow night?
Just bought a beer belt to complete the Captain America outfit. I will do my part as a hero of America to pass out beer to the good citizens of America.
Everyone in the office is in total denial. I asked my boss what he did this weekend and he said "nothing much." But I know we were both thinking about the orgy.
I just had my first non-cocaine-induced nosebleed for the first time in 2 years. This calls for a celebration.
Disregard the shoes in the freezer.
He lasted about 30 seconds then said you can't win them all. But then he made me pancakes so it's okay. We shall call him mancakes.
i want to go make food but i'll have to face my mom after telling her that the random i'm sleeping with, whose name i don't know, told me I was "too slutty to be his girlfriend" when i was drunk last night
I just walked in on my sixteen year old sister soaking her tampon in vodka. I go to Berkeley. And they think she's the good daughter.
Then, right before he came he said "I want to buy you so many things!" What the fuck?!
I'll accept that I'm a woo girl. Just not the drunk cowboy hat wearing bar mongering twat bag type
Ugh I realized he only responds to my snaps when I’m eating a popsicle
Why are male brains so small?
Randomize
