I got into an eating contest with Christina. I ate 6 oranges.
Why? Who won?
we don't know. we ran out of oranges.
the toilet has never flushed louder then when you sneak home drunk and try to avoid your parents hearing you puke.
i just saw a man pushing two thirtys of beers in a stroller while his little kid ran to keep up. father of the year
since we're both too lazy to go to each others house, you drink there, i'll drink here and we'll skype. it's the same thing.
His ankle bracelet only gets in the way when I'm trying to take off his pants.
I found a map from his room to his bathroom this morning in my purse. Apparently I was too fucked up to get there without one.
Fourth time I had to be woken up in the line of Whataburger in two weeks. First time my shirt was free of vomit.
note to self, drunkenly bedazzeling the silverware was a stupid fucking idea
I got called a drunken housewife today in class. I'm proud, not many people can say they've achieved their life goals like I have by the time they turn 20
I woke up and found cookies in my purse. It's a 12/12/12 miracle.
Well i would have gone to the bar but Satan decided to hold his rituals in my uterus.
What did you two do last night and why did Sam send me a picture of your dick?
Nothing much. Just taking shots of tequila before I go get a bikkini wax. You?
I've seen too many naked penises for this to be a normal Monday morning
The ass gains better be worth it
Randomize
