Instead of having sex, we spent the entire night making pillow forts and have sword fights. I think I'm in love
Yeah I'm buying him lunch right now because I shot him with the fire extinguisher last night
Every day I regret the life decisions that led me to bank management and NOT being a coke addicted stripper. Every. Single. Day.
Just took my birth control pill next to the cubicle where we had sex last semester.
he might be the rich husband I pretend to love for the rest of my life!!!!
you were exchanging tortilla chips with the guy at the next table, telling him your table was given the "big chips" because it was your 21st birthday
I think I'm dead. Why did I think it was a good idea to hang from the banister while someone poured liquor into my mouth?
I woke up with flowers, a tiara & pasta salad in my bed. Tequila makes me act like a fat Disney princess
Some days you just pee in a stairwell and go home.
my mom just said "if you had sex with someone you don't really like I'm going to be so mad at you" HOW DOES EVERYBODY KNOW
And I'm only telling you that because I really wanted to use 'my boyfriend' and 'dick biscuit' in the same sentence.
This chick had a condom box organized by size with dividers that glowed in the dark.
I just feel like I'm worth a little bit more than your recycled nudes...
Tbh you just need to fuck it out like I don't know another solution
You're so sweet in the most vulgar ways
Randomize
