Ask me how many people I've slept with. Because its changed since I last saw you.
I saw you 20 MINUTES AGO. You need to stop this.
I love how you send me nude pics of girls you're fucking and name them by which city they're in instead of their name. "This is Nashville, this is Tupelo, this is Jackson..."
Bottle rocket just missed my head by about 3 inches. Of course I'm being safe
There's a wake for a coworker on 420 during te time of 420... Hoping everyone will be too sad to notice how high I am.
Just thought to myself "I should practice shotgunning a beer before Wednesday." I don't think my GPA is going to like this semester.
And on the subject of embracing my inner whore, I had two different dicks in my mouth yesterday. Friend, it's official. I'm completely outta control.
Drunkenly bought a $240 realtor course last night. Apparently even drunk me thinks my future is going nowhere
I don't care how great the sex was, I cannot unsee what has been seen. I regret ever stalking his Facebook.
I'm seeing double so when I get home can we have a threesome?
Do you think I could get someone from tinder to drive me to the airport?
He won a jackpot and invited his ex girlfriend over to have sex on 5grand
GOD DAMN IT I COULD HAVE HAD A MOTHERFUCKING 3 WAY LAST NIGHT. WHY BOOZE, WHY?!
So turns out my new assistant isn't really my assistant. The owner needed a title for his FWB so his wife wouldn't catch on. I got a three hundred a month credit limit boost on my corporate credit card instead.
He's the one named Andrew. In his profile picture he is the one on the right in the monkey costume.
He made me promise not to describe his penis in detail to you....oops.
Randomize
