Well yesterday i made out with the entire football team and rifht at this very moment our waiter looks like a ken doll. Straight up. And he gave me wine so ill probly make out with him
college has opened so many doors for you
just took batteries out of my vibrator to play wii guitar hero. think i am gonna regret that move later tonight.
whoever set the energy saving light timer in the lobby bathroom cleraly has no concept how long a work dump takes
This isnt meant to be as creepy as it sounds, but do you seriously want a lock of the hair I cut off?
Don't be alarmed at the kitchen mess. I had to shoot the fire extinguisher on the toaster oven, one quick blast. It was a matter of safe over sorry.
i just remember doing it on a pile of clothes while i heard the muffled sound of his friend laughing. then i realized we were in a closet.
I bet it kind of sucks while you do community service I'm getting blown in the shower. haha
My friends son got stung by a jellyfish over the weekend and we seriously stood there debating on whether or not we should pee on this toddler.
I made out with a guy who was dressed as Borat
And like a minute in, I was like oh fuck what am I doing
Did you run away?
I DANCED AWAY.
I just need you to stay far enough away that I can't smell your cologne. I completely forget that I fucking hate you as soon as I smell it.
I just told a guy I'm a cross of Kim K, Hilary Clinton and a dragon... He was still into it.
Nothing warms my heart more than the sight of a naked hockey player in my bed.
It's really life affirming to be at a wedding thinking wow I took your husbands virginity
He once bought a dildo and put fifty dollars and a happy anniversary note in the battery compartment I gotta lock him down while hes available
If he’s halfway attractive, employed and cool with me having boytoys, I’ll marry him
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