I love being friends with rich people. I get laid by association.
I just spent the last two hours on the phone with Emily trying to explain to her how to finger herself.
I think the best way to start out any day is to watch 80's music videos. It's like visual wheaties.
how much land on farmville do you have now? i sold all my shit to make room i need more money... these animals need to know I'm running a business not a charity.
..and then spiked the maple syrup at iHop
and my souvenir for the night was a nice ambulance blanket
Dude I'm about to just roll over and piss off the side of my bed, rather than make the conscious effort to get up and walk to the bathroom. One of those hangovers.
You sent me a picture of you licking the bottom of a shoe and the caption was "it tastes like shoe"
Sex on the scooter in the parking lot wasn't the smartest idea. Actual quote from the cop as he handed me the ticket and fist bumped me.
dude his girlfriend left the meanest shit just marinating in our toilet. I'm gonna have to snap chat this out, theres no other option. prepare yourself
Looks like he unfriended you too. I feel like we were both just handed negative pregnancy tests.
theres a canoe in our lawn. we dont own a canoe.
it was the only safe place
If he's dating my cousin now, do I have to erase the pictures of his dick off my phone? Ugh, morals.
We played wedding bingo. I made out with the maid of honor and fucked one of the bride’s sorority sisters. But I needed to get with the groom’s cousin, a mother-in-law to be, or the wedding planner to win and I came up short.
I teamed up with my vagina. I compromised his morals and then she corrupted him for good. It’s been a very successful and slutty partnership
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