its good for cellulite if you don't wear underwear. its true
I gambled and lost. Had to pull into a funeral home to clean up with a copy of my resume.
Im at the hospital with monitors on and a giant green top hat. i blew a 24somethin. Im fucked.
he let me duct tape his mouth because i said it was my fetish, i really just wanted him to shut up
Even when three police cars surrounded us you kept telling us not to worry because 'only good things can happen'.
i prefer some hard alcohol, but wine makes me feel less of a progressive alcoholic
Need to stop getting stoned with this chick, I keep waking up covered in pizza sauce
Someone is gonna learn how to start an IV in the morning
If I don't have herpes this will be the single greatest day of my life
You were carrying around a milk crate, randomly putting it down calling out 'praise be to the milk gods' and making people pray to it.
Tell me you didn't really piss in the hookah.
And that is why we dont do tequila shooters at 1 in the afternoon. Because you go home with a beast like that
best eviction party ever.
it wasn't an eviction party you asshole, you just happened to get yourself evicted during the party.
When I woke up next to him on the living room floor, my glasses were broken and it felt like someone rubbed a cactus all over my vag
It's a sexual break up. We maintain a friendship and leave any and all sexual attraction out. It's not hard, having a baby is harder than that.
Randomize
