You drink too much
No, I drink just the right amount - too often.
Good thing you didnt wake up last night. Wouldve found me naked talking to my closet asking to borrow my towel.
I'll see ya tonight at your house...and I'm bringing you a special treat that starts with a V and ends with us eventually going to rehab one day.
Leave it to us to have a family reunion in a bar bathroom
No longer allowed at circus circus apparently fuvking in the elevator is frowned upon.
I'll even give you a complementary welcome blowjob.
I asked if he wanted to sext and he just started sending me pictures of his beard.
You just yell-acapella'd the theme to fresh prince of bel air to me while a different song is playing in the bar.
We can't BOTH have terrible sex lives. Get fucked or throw him out.
I gave them the 'I used to fuck your son' discount.
I have poison ivy on my dick
WHAT
I did a line of coke with my ex tonight. Talk about memories
So I'm trying to figure out how to talk my boss into allowing pajama day once a week. Any ideas?
Nothing says "sober up, you whore" quite like an early morning PAP smear.
Sorry didnt text you yesterday. had to put restraining order on my ex.
Randomize
