Flying into Chicago for a few days, getting re-deployed in September, we should probably fuck
Kristina got the same text from you just now, she's sitting next to me, how many people did you send this to?
So I purposely left a bunch of metal in my pockets so that the smokin hot TSA officer would give me a pat down. Airport security just got fun
im pretty sure while i was fucking her my dog was fucking her dog too
Somewhere between catching the stove on fire and not being aware of it being on fire while I'm in the living room. I drank too much.
This theraflu would make for a great margarita.
I can make a sudafedarita
There are rocks in my bed. And dirt all over my face. Explain?
Bring condoms and burritos. The rest will fall into place
The bouncer called to give me my shoes back when I got there he said " I'm all cool with fuvking bitches but when you try to to do it in my bar on the pool table you're gonna get chocked out every time"
At least you got your shooes
The ONLY place I sext is in my anatomy class. It's an amped up level of playing doctor.
I just had sex on my divorce papers. I've never felt so poetic.
Remember that guy I fucked last month? Well I'm watching his dog this weekend while he's in the Bahamas with his girlfriend. What is my life
They already have a joint checking account. She's got his balls in her purse! What's next, a shared Facebook account?
She had a toddler. It threw up and then some guy said party foul and put it on the porch. Going back next Friday.
this is the second night in a row i've fucked a guy i met on craigslist. and it wasn't even a post for sex. i posted a housing ad. A HOUSING AD
hey. this is your former cousin. you boned my best friend last night.
Randomize
