I would pay so much money for a video of you fucking a sheep
Do you think flip cup during wine tasting is a bad idea? They're perfect flipping cups...
So it turns out my dad calls his penis "John" which means he either named me after his penis or his penis after me
She kept saying how cute and adorable I was. I felt like a care bear getting a blowjob
I found a body half wedged into my bedroom wall this morning. How do I explain THIS to the carpenters?
You didn't say, "No." And you stole more than half of my Snickers. You owed me that dick.
Is "I am going to murder you if you keep sending me requests that I cannot fulfill" unprofesh?
And now whenever I see a documentary about dolphins, I think about sex, which is super weird
Every time I started to really hate the guys on tinder, the universe throws me a muscly beardy bone.
What's the policy on calling guys who have kids daddy...
You know it was a good night when you wake up w/o a shirt in someone elses living room next to a pancake on a spoon in a bowl of spaghetti.
You kissed my hand and then put a Taco in it. Why WOUDNT I leave my husband?
I woke up, topless, my car was parked funny so I threw on my hoodieto go fix it and found a jello shot in my pocket. where did I go last night?!
you fell asleep with her panties on your face. how are you surprised??
Dude. If you guys end up really liking each other, the color of his pubes won't matter. I wouldn't break a sweat.
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