Why can't we have signs that automatically flash on our foreheads that say not interested when gross ugly guys come around, like those glasses that get dark when the sun comes out?
i just looked at my contacts and realized i saved the pizza hut girl's number as "fckucin pizza" the other night.
I often get tempted to walk up to her drunk ass and say, "shouldn't you be taking care of your kid?"
She said I had the biggest dick she'd ever seen. And when you consider how many she's come in contact with, it's kind of like winning the heisman.
I legitimately just tried to piss above my head. I got to my chest at highest. There's piss everywhere.
I don't care how stoned you are, I'm not driving to a different state for a burrito
Do you think making a dress out of an "Open" flag that my friend stole from a bar, and wearing it out sends the wrong message? ....Or exactly the right message?
Also I had a dream we made my birth control into a joint. What does that mean?
Also, rendered a whole bar silent last night when I told a guy to take off his panties and take a shot out of my cleavage. Video to follow...
If you could watch a water balloon run... That's what it's like watching her run.
so i ran into nick. i may be more gay than anticipated
it'll be okay! And just think of this ultrasound as the most action you've had in a month...
I woke up naked and only wearing cowboy boots, wrapped in a curtain that was still attached to the pole
So today was the first day i've been sober since Wednesday according to my roommate!
I'm sorry you had to knock him out on your birthday. But that also means I won the bet that you'd hit someone so you owe me 40. dollars
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