wat bout pragnant strippers??
If you don't answer the phone then I will be forced to leave you a wonderful voicemail of me throwing up
When I masturbate I pretend my dick is the slap chop an I'm destroying vegtables. Do you think that's a eating disorder?
she was pooping while we were on video chat. new level of love.
Now he's lighting his socks on fire
What ever happened to the whole 'innocent until proven guilty' thing. Like 'not pregnant until proven pregnant'. That's how it should be...
I slept with an Israeli and a Palestinian in the same day. It feels wrong.
I'm at the hospital waiting for my sister to push out her kid. I think I'll roam the halls and shame all the teenage mothers.
the reason i can drink whatever i want and you have a limit is because whiskey will never make my pussy not work
I miss you, too. It's hard to sleep without anything licking my head.
Would you still love me if my nipple fell off?
I taught a straight girl about grindr today. She showed me tinder. It was like some sexual cultural exchange program
She was yelling at the tater tots, "In five minutes, you're going in my mouth!"
I came home and my mom goes "why are you barefoot and where the hell are your shoes?" and I replied "I have French fries"
I thought I was drunk because I kept grabbing his arm instead of his dick
But then I realized it wasn’t his arm and that I was very lucky
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