I'm at breakfast still drunk holding a blow up parrot
thought so. i woke up and he was playing with my eyeliner. I MAKE GREAT CHOICES.
Why do girls get to wear clothes that say "do me now" but guys don't have that kind of option?
I mean, what would the male equivalent of a slutty dress be?
I want a gay best friend. or apple sauce either one is fine with me
you haven't felt a hangover until you wake up after a night of snorting tequila.
we usually just have an Easter beer hunt and never end up at church anyways
I'd love to sympathize with you but I'm drunk in a mansion
Dramatic love triangle! I guess mystery Asian and I will just have to fight it out for your love.
Woke up in her bed this morning with a half used condom stuck to the side of my face
How can a condom be "half used"?
Whatever it's Canadian jail, it's not like Guatemala or something. It'll be nice and cushy and they'll probably throw him a big bday party with all his friends and strippers
My wife just tried to justify to me why she wants to bring a girl into bed with us. I should win an academy award for my face and response of 'well of its what you need.'
i think ive reached a prime reproductive point in my life or somethin- i see gingers and all i want to do is have their babies. like my body knows that i have a to carry on a legacy
I am at a point in my life where I don't want to brush my teeth for my tinder date because toothpaste and martinis don't mix.
That’s true love. If they recognize a chocolate mold of your anus.
Are you texting me while pooping again?
I'm also playing fetch with the dog
Randomize
