Haha na a cat just ran under your car. Howd that happen?
Probably a woman cat. Doesnt think things through
the whole time he was cumming, he did the joey lawrence WHOA. over and over. WHOA. WHOA. WHOA. WHOA.
just watched paranormal activity stoned. laughed the whole time and screamed when they turned on the lights. eating doritos. I love my life
im still trying to figure out who put the honey mustard in the blender then put the entire blender into the freezer
Judging by the amount of alcohol multiplied by the amount of her exes here, tonight will be ending in tears.
The homeless guy out front said it's his birthday and he asked us to join him for happy hour after work. He's buying a fifth of gin to celebrate.
In the pie chart of my life, she is a huge part of why I drink.
She loves introducing her friends to my foreskin.
Well, I guess that's how life goes for my dad. One minute you're walking with your cooler on the afterglow of a Lynyrd Skynyrd concert, the next you find your grown son choking out a drunk redneck against your pickup truck.
You thought that you were playing full contact and started screaming "I will fucking end you! I will end you!" and tried tackling everyone in the room.
There is a dude riding on one of those standing wheel things inside forever 21. Calm down.
It was like sex on an active volcano surrounded by the night sky and bloodhounds. And by that I mean it was nice.
Not sure, she said after cussing out the dentist they called security. Make that the first person I know 86'ed by a dentist.
That awkward moment when you were so fucking drunk lastnight that you and your fuck buddy wake up wearing eachother's clothing covered in hot cheetos with his cat curled up between your heads meowing. Thought you'd appreciate this moment with me.
Definitely went to court without a bra and panties because Mr. LastNight’s dog stole them. I guarantee you I was the only lawyer going commando in court
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