Dude she looked like Jerry Garcia's knuckles
tweet Hawks Win!! tweet
That's how twitter works, right?
All time low... just gave a strip tease to the theme song from Law&Order SVU.
dude just tell them you don't wear clothes. they'll understand
The worst mistakes make the best memories. Write that down.
Woke up with a treasure map of my room stuck with sticky tape to my ceiling. followed it and found $75 with a note saying; "eat this if we're invaded"... I'm never getting stoned again
How are you going to be there by 9am?
Relax I always go to these conferences hung over
You say that like it's a positive quality
Well it went from being a hug to a straight out tackle through the back door.
If you can get laid in a rudolph onesie you are doing something right my friend.
Just had a talk about safe sex with my mom. Not about protection. About the very real possibility of a "penile fracture". Gotta love having a nurse for a mother.
we were making out in my truck and while she was straddling me she informs me that she jerks off horses for a living. Should I be concerned or flattered?
Also I think I realized when my life started to turn into shambles.. The day I took my high school senior picture WITH A HICKEY ON MY NECK
Agree to hang out with him and then take a gigantic shit right on him. Or if youve forgiven him for being a fucker maybe make out with him.
I went to work hungover and threw up in the break room. Told them I was pregnant and then said I quit. I don't have a job now, thanks vodka.
I can no longer play with you. I puked on my feet in the shower. I'm too old for this.
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