____ banged a stripper...well technically she's now a hooker...
this guy literally just gave me a gold star sticker for the "stellar" blow job i gave him. ashamed? i think not.
its like playing clue every morning after we party. she did him in the kitchen with..oh god.
i walked into the party and i guess everyone knew because they began to chant "ass to mouth"
its freezing days like this when i seriously consider littering to speed up the global warming processes.
Homeless guy on the metro is drinking beer out of a coke bottle. Hello friend.
After you vomited on the patrol car, you thanked the officer for helping you up off the ground. I don't think you realized you were being arrested.
I woke up to a text that said, "I can see you but can't get in." It was the pizza delivery guy who saw me passed out drunk on the floor through the front door.
Apparently I was the fucked up drunk guy greeting people at the hotel in the lobby last night.
It's embarrassing enough people in my life are aware of the ridiculous things that happen to me. I don't think we need to get the whole world involved.
Nothing like playing hide and seek with a state patrol officer early in the morning to get your heart rate up.
Okay I can't even be mad, I'm in mid-plot to hook up with Michael Phelp's third cousin.
Both of our knuckles were split open this morning when I came out of the blackout, the column on the porch has two new cracks in it, were like the redneck Super Smash Bros.
are you drinking tonight?
I have an exam tomorrow
so yes.
Soon to be ex is nowhere to be found. Her attorney/new BF just showed up. 30 minutes late looking hungover. Pretty sure I'm getting the kids AND the house!
Randomize
