i just walked in on my sister drunkenly sobbing to sarah mclachlan. its time for an intervention.
didn't that happen to you last weekend?
shut up.
Don't go all Obama on me. George Bush this decision and just do it. Thinking's for the morning after
New beer pong partner names "Bus Boys" ... We clear tables
I just five second ruled a donut I dropped at starbucks, everyones staring
It's like Facebook knows when I'm about to masturbate and tells me to reconnect with exes.
Im forcing mysellf to pee so i can fit more margaritas in me...
Dude you can sell sperm for 100 to 250 bucks a time. And the best part is there will be kids all over the world that will have me as a daddy. It's like I'm jerking off my way into ruling the world
His housemate was playing a sad violin solo for me on my way out. God I hate musicians.
My mom said I should get that 'not fucking anybody' problem fixed.
And if it was a miscarriage you should figure out whose it was. He must be an alphamale for his offspring to sustain life this long in the amusement park that is your body
It was insane. I was drunk for 11 consecutive hours. I woke up covered in almonds and there were footprints all over my shirt
Stoned in a petco on a Saturday. I figured out that ferrets can eat themselves out. Just picture it. Never leaving.
You realize your sleeping pills are working when you pick up your iPhone and almost bite it because you thought it was a graham cracker
Haha, maybe if he wasn't dressed up like Kimmy Gibler he could give her the D
the police dropped me off. that's how my night went.
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