I actually kind of like the booze poos. It's like a colon cleanse. I feel skinnier.
nothing like celebrating the fact that you're not a father by trying to impregnate other women
He bought me flowers. The card with it said: Sorry I cant get you off. I will try harder.
I kept grabbing at Stephanie's boobs because I thought the leopard spots on her dress were popcorn.
She calls me Shortcake and bites my ear. Trust me, I'm FINE with bein the secret lesbian lover.
Now he's trying to use the tornado warnings as an excuse to get head. Yeah, b/c THAT'S the last taste I want in my mouth b4 I die...
Well idk about you but my nose is all recovered for the weekend.
He was dressed as ron burgundy and his pickup line was "dont worry, i wont make you jump in a bear pit."
Pretty sure encouraging you to sleep with 2 different girls while keeping you in the good graces of both has lost me the ability to call myself a woman. But that's just the kind of friend I am; dedicated.
You just can't come from being "the girl who shit her pants."
Have you ever stopped and thought "I do NOT want to be inside of this person right now. Or ever." Because you should.
The only thing I like when I am high is sex. And Cheez Its. But mostly sex.
Benefits of having to stay in jail for the weekend: learned how to make my own make up out of colored pencils. Also how to make use of toothpaste for hair products. Downfall was probably getting hit on by a murderer. Only me.
Please wake up and help me figure out how I woke up on the floor with my head under the couch
In other news I was masturbating last night and came really fucking hard to the thought of yelling at a customer....
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