Holy wow, I found all the old poems u wrote me back when we were in looooooooove...just sort of wild to look back on, thought u'd like that
i'm wearing my white shorts to coax my period out of hiding.
She was Ugg boots AND a Bumpit. Of course I didn't sleep with her.
If you start sounding at all like you're even remotely in love, expect a lecture on the merits of being a single woman with a vibrator.
This is why we're friends.
Will you come get her? She's trying to get the pizza guy into the bathtub.
I just watched the lion king for the first time in years. It's like the equivalent of a really good blow job.
I should know better than to trust a man I've seen cry on multiple occasions to give me accurate sports information.
So hungover. Have a black eye from where I tried to brush my teeth and stabbed myself in the eye instead. Should make the performance review I was stress drinking about go so much better.
Remember the thing I sent you? "Often complex problems are best solved by thinking like an animal." Hump away!
Dude, seriously, fucking stop introducing me as "Thomas, with the dick piercing." you are the worst wingman ever.
the walk of shame isn't very shameful when your mom tells you she's proud of you.
I just wish he would stop trying to bring his emotional baggage into our sexual relationship.
I have a video on my phone of someone streaking in my house last night, do you have any idea who it is?
You said the best orgasm you ever had, you gave to yourself. your boyfriend looked really disappointed. so did half the room.
They just canceled the season. It’s going to be harder to bang soccer moms this year
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