I made out with a deaf person. Also I've been drunk 11 days in a row now.
so you masturbated because Oprah told you?
At least with the last gf I made it clear that I wanted to breakup when I pissed on her floor @ 3am as her roommate watched in contempt
Oprah is sooooo fat. I can't even concentrate on Mackenzie Phillips talking about banging her dad
my professor just said "the power of the situation"
drink
you told grandpa to call you daddy
Caught my drug dealer jacking off. I think this is a new step in our relationship
Complete silence. Background Willy Wonka music. An empty back of Lay's BBQ chips. These are the ingredients for an extreme acid trip.
Those mornings you wake up with a Barbie tramp stamp are the mornings that are the that are going to make me miss this place
OH HAPPY DAYS YOU'RE BOTH GINGERS YOU'LL REPRODUCE YOUR OWN KIND
trust me, you don't know shame until you're in a peacock costume getting CPR by random dudes
Yeah, reverse cow girl. She was on top and I was playing Flappy Bird behind her back. Easiest way to have angry sex.
I drank too much tequila. I'm hyperventilating. Send help. I think I slipped through satan's asshole.
I banged a guy named Robbie last night and in the middle of sex he begged me to scream santos. I'm pretty sure I just screwed a dude with multiple personalities.
I'm 80% sure I have pink eye. This is my penance for being a homewrecker.
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