youll never guess who i didnt fuck at that party
This guy has a retainer. We're golden.
Five things that make you perfect. Go.
The skin of a dead hooker. The blood of the innocent. The soul of a kitten. The hat from cat in the hat. And sunglasses.
I just witnessed two drunk midgets fighting over a graham cracker. I can die happy now.
You were pretty committed to that cat costume. Between pukes, you would meow and assure people that you just had a hairball you couldn't get out...
She said i saw her in the study room, waved, disappeared, came back with a coke from god knows where, and slurred "i have a drinking problem but i ate grits"
We had a 30 min conversation last night about whether or not to bone that girl with a lisp to see if she moans with one...
Hey had an urgent voicemail from the Illinois national guard....have you been using my identity for your blackout weekend?
Yes and yes
I woke up five hours later with a mouthful of Jimmy John's while clinging to my sandwich.
Fyi your toilet is not contaminated. We'd have to scissor pretty hard to pass what I got.
Hey ER girl, its the EMT you beat at blowjobs shots last night.
That is the scariest sentence I have ever read.
he used the hotel microwave to cook the 16" pizza he bought at the walmart deli
He used a "food city great value" card to cut it
The cop took you back from the hospital and the lady at the front desk said "how are you doing cal?" You said "how do you know my name?" she responded "you're the only person i've ever seen that can throw up in your back pocket." Skills dude.
Why are you barefoot at a strip club?
Are you sure you found YOUR underwear?
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