Soap is not a condiment
I just found out how hard it is to put together a fake Christmas tree with a hangover.
I'm still amazed at how you managed to puke in every plant on the whole top floor at the mall without a single person noticing and without missing a step.
I want a meaningful relationship and i wont get one if i keep giving him blow jobs in my basement while watching family guy.
A hangover is a type of food poisoning. Makes me feel better about calling out of work.
What's the proper amount of time to avoid my 76 year old neighbor that caught me with my pants down, peeing in my driveway at 5am?
E drugging s springing. Ease dnt Kate. To t e. ess e I meant thou.
Everyone is drunk but me. Fantastic. Everyone is hooking up but me. Awkward.
I had a pitcher of margaritas. Now I'm in a laundry room being a 5th wheel and crying. I made myself a bed out of a pool floatie. I win.
I seriously think I got run over last night.. My sides are bruised and I got a ride home in the limo from the office.
Just saw some dude tumble down the stairs of the bar while leaving...fist pump...and then sprint down the road
Ugh. The fucking vaginal recession is so real right now.
You can't just say you're dying of terminal cancer everytime they try to card you
I'm going to start using the hurricane naming system for my hangovers. Hangover Agatha is a real bitch today.
Vodka, rum, moonshine, I don't care, just bring like 5gallons.
So i came so hard i almost passed out, where has this vibrator been all my life?
Randomize