i was puking in the toilet, he walked in and to talk to me and started puking in the sink.. Could this be my perfect man??
I was giving him a handjob and he commented that he loved my nailpolish....I'm destined to die a fag hag
He's sobering up. It was really bad for like 45 minutes. He cried while telling me how he pictured us eating hotdogs on the beach together.
im pretty sure your bra is in my room hanging on my shark pinata
Getting cock-blocked by Jeff Bridges. NOT OKAY.
My day may involve a drug pinata. I LOVE MY LIFE.
Bad Decision October is in full swing. I was telling people that "I put on eye makeup today, I'm takin' a dude home with me!".
But I wanna cuddle and just put my hand awkwardly close to your penis area by accident and look at you
I'm starting to think I didn't bring enough liquor for this family Christmas.
It's 2 pm....
L'Shannah Tovah!
Whats that? My new stripper name?
Definitely broke my toe and messed up my knee walking back. Drink hitch hiking should never happen again.
He's tying my arms above my head and all I can think is that I should've shaved my armpits
How I know we're old. Don knows the owner. The owner said 'How about some shots?' We said no thanks. He looked puzzled and came back later and said 'You know it's on the house?' We said 'Yeah, no thanks.'
Carver called his mom a milf again
Was it on purpose this time?
Happy "I'm glad our dad made us sisters and then summarily downgraded himself to sperm donor" day.
Randomize
