Is it sad that the only reason I haven't lapsed into depression is that I'm prettier than her?
Nah, we all need something.
you know what would be great? if dirt tasted like steak and could get you drunk.
I just saw a girl walking home wearing a tshirt, boxers, and cowboy boots. Thanks for having the decency to drive me to my car.
Sorry I fell asleep again. I'm in the shower now. Door is unlocked. Condoms are in my desk. I want your game face on for when I get out.
Idk if you remember me telling you about him, but I gave him a hj under the stars. Kind of added a little disney aspect to the whole experience.
I just puked so hard I pissed myself. Outta my ass. I just won hangover of the century.
So aparently telling your roommate you're going to spoon them so hard in the public place of their employment is inappropriate
I'm going to give blood tomorrow. Prepare yourself for pictures and a cynical poem about the heart and its level of tangibility.
well some coke just fell out of my nose in my partners meeting so i'd say my day's off to a fantastic start
How was my night? He had a picture of his mom on his night stand and he yelled "Papi like" when he came. Fuck tequila.
I'm sorry I tried to stab you. I just really wanted those mozerella sticks.
He just jumped up off the couch, screamed "ITS OVER NINE THOUSAND!" And then attempted to fly out the window like a bird. I don't know nor do I care to know what just happened
It's 5am and I come home to you naked on the kitchen table and 3 people I never saw before fucking on the back porch ... and my weed gummy worms are gone. fuck you I'm taking your mom's offer
I ate her out and told her she tasted like pumpkin pie. She screamed that she hated pumpkins and started to cry
i havent showered for 4 days and i just made my dog smell my arm pit. also, im stoned.
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