sitting with a guy who's looking at the cum stains on the bed. Do you think he's convinced it's from the cat?
No. He thinks you're slutty.
I just opened a gallon of milk that is good through the 10th of January- I hope I can say the same for myself.
I've broken several federal laws in the name of sex.
She gave me a rubber ducky to make me feel better while I was throwing up.
Stop banging my friends. This is getting weird.
Stop being friends with hot 18 year old girls.
If youre wondering about the smell, i set your hamster on fire. But don't worry he's ok
You threw up on yourself mid conversation with your mom and then told her a girl at the party puked on you.
From now on, you must never doubt my ability to go from drunken rambling lovesick girl to Stepford wife within the course of a few hours.
I don't know. She kept pirouetting across the kitchen while making dinner. I just sat there stoned.
Oh my god did you actually lose a tooth
I just came so hard my vision went blurry. I can only hope one day I'll find a man that can accomplish what my left hand does on a tri-daily basis.
Here's the "to do" list i just found on my phone: buy stripper pole, make sex playlist, buy febreeze
Listen gotta draw the line somewhere. Apparently that line is at my nuts.
Between falling off a shelf on to a concrete floor and sex with you - i may never walk again.
Unfortunately the rum ran out midway through our viewing and we had to suffer in silence for the rest of it.
Randomize
