So I hogged the stall at Denny's for so long that a little kid shit his pants and ran crying to his mother. Am I a terrible person for this being the proudest moment of my life?
It was like his mom forgot to breastfeed him and he was making up for lost time.
woke up with withdrawal cold sweats this morning. spring break must really be over.
She's a freak. I've got the scars to prove it.
my step dad just called me a drunken slut..someone in my family finally understands me
I had to do a class evaluation today & the girl beside me didn't fill in any bubbles she just wrote in huge letters RETIRE across the whole sheet
Middle of vacation, he walked into an audition for a Broadway musical in a drunken stupor. I think he got the part.
Also his beard was very delicious looking. I wanted to touch it so bad, but I held back.
Oh hey. I left my beer there. Beer is more important than my pride. I want to pick that up.
If we're single and alone together, the fuck angels shall sing upon our nude bodies.
I don't know what part of my sober brain thought it was a good idea to get stoned when I can barely walk with crutches as it is, but that part is stupid.
Instead of asking him how many women he's slept with I just got straight to the point and asked how many Plan B pills he's purchased
Hypothetically - think of it as Schrodinger's blow-job.
Someone called asking about the gate code and I said "hashtag" for # instead of "pound." Ugh. I feel so dirty.
So. Um. Hypothetically speaking...how would one get a squirrel out of the house?
Randomize
