In retrospect, it was a terrible idea, going down on her with these ulcers in my mouth.
They told me I spent half the night at the club with one ball hanging out my shorts. Apparently it got me 1 free drink, 2 numbers, and thrown out.
im too high. i could barely wash my hair, let alone handle a whole shower
I woke up with ten beers in my bag that hoarded at the party last night. Rally? Its five somewhere.
Im sick of reading dumb tattoos while having sex
The best part was that when I woke up, I poked her with my dick to wake her up, and said, "Hi, I'm Alex. Nice to meet you". Shoulda seen the look on her face. Priceless.
new rule: cockblock me if I have had over a fifth of jack. no matter what.
It's like God was speaking to me through a penis.
Sometimes he has weird facial hair...Basically he has a penis... that's what he's got going for him.
Suuuuuuper drunk and just sang fuck her gently to the chiminea. I'm in bad shape.
she's crying and begging for her chapstick and insisting on walking home...her every thursday ritual
and that my friend is why you dont go in for an eye exam and drop 250 dollars on a pair of glasses after smoking a blunt
You crowd surfed from beer pong into the bathroom where you spent the rest of the night, also I have your wallet
Dude I'm at a bar, and there's this Elvis impersonator here that I went to rehab with. Apparently Elvis has left the wagon.
I’d clean the kitchen before making food. Mark “rang in the New Year” with some rando in there last night
Randomize
