I am coming home for anal
* a nap*
He's gotten way too comfortable around me. He came into the bathroom and took a shit while I was in the shower.
I successfully cooked a taquito with a lighter! My stomach hurts now tho.. im either guna blame it on the undercooked taquito or im feeling guily about porkin my brothers gf a lil bit ago
its simple. when his lips are on my clitoris i want to marry him. when they are speaking i want to kill him.
As you were leaving the bar you grabbed a table and when they stopped you, you said "Its cool i came in with this". They did not believe you.
At the ER. Dropped bottle lead to cut foot which led to me drunk hitting on doctors. Not going well.
You kept apologizing for not offering me some of your Whisky, which you referred to as "Jesus Nectar".
So half of us were already throwing up outside when the Ukrainians ask us if we're ready to start partying yet. I love this country.
Seriously, you can't give someone's wife an orgasm on the dance floor of a gay nightclub and then hang out with her husband the following week
the only two hours i was sober on this trip and i managed to break my toe. no one will believe this.
I haven't taken a solid shit in four weeks. Do you know what started four weeks ago? Alcohol and dining hall food. Fucking college.
If I die, let him know that his penis was the last penis I saw. And I'm happy about that.
She said she was sorry for rolling around in her own vomit. Honestly, I thought it really added to the party.
so i just met a former male stripper who has a lion king tattoo. new BFF? i think yes
Remember when we thought adulthood would be different than college?
It is different. We had hopes and dreams back then. Now we're just alcoholics.
Randomize
