A female Wisconsin fan just headbutted the bouncer. Im deeply terrified and oddly aroused at the same time.
The baby slept soo good last night. Its like he knows the importance of me being intoxicated all weekend.
It's official. I now have that "I was drunk and needed the money" college story to share later in life.
Subtly mention that I'm not a lesbian. I would only go for rebecca's nipples because they're pierced and I like shiny things.
I feel like if Miami and New Jersey fucked each other and produced a baby that would summarize the bar I'm in.
I just stood next to my childhood self. Fuck, I'm really stoned...
In a shocking revelation, I learned that the Easter Sunday shit show happened not because of vodka but because my gay neighbor drugged me.
Also, if you all get arrested i'm coming to laugh at you because i don't have the money for bail.
We used a snorkel as a funnel. Can you say desperate?
I am the girl who goes to bed with her make-up on so that she doesn't have to fully redo it in the morning. I am obviously not ready to be a mother.
How does that even work?
Just me, my martini, and my backup Martini.
I have got to stop telling people I was almost a prositute every time I drink
Sorry my phone died. Obviously four o'clock in the morning is a good time to tell you this.
He is married, and has a regrettably large penis. I need to find another one right away to get myself out of this mess.
How big does a penis have to be before it becomes regrettably so?
Think he has a gf
Yea that shit doesn’t necessarily stop me
Randomize
