Had sex with him. My tampon is now in my brain. May need surgery.
Just found my toeprints on the glass of his sunroof.
Were making a bet for which twin will relapse while in rehab. I'm going for the chubbier one
My warmest regards to the fish in that koi pond I puked in.
The good news is the house is clean, the bad news is someone redecorated the bonus room by spray painting "free willy" on the wall in honor of the girl who passed out in there last night.
What can I say? I like my food like I like my women, not entirely fucked by our contemporary world.
I passed out in all my clothes. like my purse too..and with a cup of water next to me..and my last tweet last night was "Bye."
LET US USE OUR GENITALS TO CELEBRATE THIS VICTORY
The homeless guy who goes through my garbage cans just gave me a flyer for an AA group.
He was too drunk, and my mother and I ended up babysitting him. He told her I have amazing mouth skills, and that I love the "chorizo" he feeds me. All she said was "And on the list of 30 things you never want to hear about your daughter..." while gripping the steering wheel.Please just fucking kill me now.
Landen experienced Greenville for the first time last night. He was awaken by 2 cops and 4 EMS guys this morning in the bed of that truck that is for sale at the swashbuckler carwash, said he was trying to walk to waffle house... Greenville- 1, Landen- 0
You passed out and I didn't draw a penis on your face. Sister of the year.
ANNA YOU PEED ON THE STREET. LIKE NOT EVEN SUBTLY. YA JUST SQUATTED IN THE MIDDLE OF THE HIGHWAY. And you flashed your tits to oncoming vehicles to try to get them to pick us up
Look, road flare archery was agreed on. We both accepted it was a shit idea sober, but did it drunk anyway.
The awkward moment when you're leaving the most attractive guy you've ever been with and you're trying not to shit on yourself. Fucking welcome to my life
Randomize
