i've never been more proud of someone than i was when he told me he got his first blowjob at age 13...from two chicks
he had to fake a sneeze attack to hide the fact he came in 15 seconds?!
so its atleast an 8 for creativity.
We planned for the zombie apocalypse. In great detail. Of course there was booze involved.
it is 7:54 and i am surrounded by drunk old people. drunk enough that my grandmother and her friend just compared boobs. as in, shirts off, bras coming down. save me.
so how was last night?
got high and had our usual talk about the definition of cole slaw. then tried to call the ramen noodle company and convince them why my face should be on thier packages.
Why's my alcoholism being used to prove a point?
Somewhere during foreplay he said something about me only being with two other guys... I just went with it cause we have never had that conversation...
So my dad just walked in on me with the same girl twice in 3 nights. I told him if he wants to see her tits to adleast admit it. All he did was smirk.
I was drunk petting a fox and taking shots of Jager. That's about as outdoorsy as it gets.
I just used a beer funnel to put gas in my car
I'm gonna have to get a lube sherpa.
you put your keys in the fridge so you wouldn't forget your yoohoo
I don't care. We're going to fuck. And I WONT apologize in the morning. You cheated on me, so you can cheat on her with me.
I CAN'T FALL IN LOVE WITH SOMEONE WHO HAS A LISP. I JUST CAN'T.
We were high and the scary movies were scaring us too bad. Were all watching porn instead now
Randomize
